electric fence and a lawn mover!!

i know its kinda long but u will laugh your ass off i promise


We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove\ it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second.. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences.....but Dad always had those pieces of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

Damn!, I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die.... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day.....he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created..

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire...I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire..

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.

4- My left eye will not open.

5- My right eye will not close.

6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot
long.

8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???)..

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things.. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow

dammit boy!

Damn that is some event, glad you made it through it.

I'd read that before but it still had the same effect on me today as it did back then! Big time funny!

Oh the humanity!!

its sooooo funny i could see this happening. i was crying i was laughing so hard

Pat, that reminds me of when I had a Nissan Pick up with a carburator on it. I had a miss when it rained, so on a cold start up, high idle, I grabbed the coil wire. BINGO, it was bad. Rode horses a lot back then, so I had a BIG belt buckle on. That buckle was on the fender and burnt clean through to my belly. My feet grounded to the garage floor. Them 5 or 6 seconds seemed like minutes, until I just fell to the floor. No piss or poop though.

LES I COULD SEE YOU NOW LOL IM GLAD YOUR ALRIGHT BUT IF I WOULD HAVE SEEN IT HAPPEN I WOULD HAVE BEEN LAUGHING MY ASS OFF

With all my luck, I can see that happening to me.

I actually have had a bad experience with an electric fence to keep my dogs in our yard. Nothing like getting bit and shocked when helping the little shit out of tangled mess. I kept my fluids in, but I have respect for electric fences now.

It was not as powerful as the cow one, but it did fry a squirrel that was jumping up the chain link when its tail hit the wire.

Funny part was the dogs trying to check it out and getting zapped.

We no longer have the fence connected and I refuse to reconnect it

wvregulators wrote:

LES I COULD SEE YOU NOW LOL IM GLAD YOUR ALRIGHT BUT IF I WOULD HAVE SEEN IT HAPPEN I WOULD HAVE BEEN LAUGHING MY ASS OFF

I forgot, my toes on both feet were sticking up in the air for about a half an hour. Did something to the nerves we guessed. It was hard to walk for a while too. Pam just kept laughing.

I read this to the wife and she started laughing so hard she was crying. She said this could have been a story about me when it says
"I Bought the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply sold." Does she know me or what. LOL!

im tellin ya, when i read this i WAS CRYING!!!!