History 101
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic
hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the
summer and would go to the coast for fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of
beer, and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get
man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization
and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two
distinct subgroups: 1. Liberals, and 2. Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning
of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented
yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to
be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages
were formed.
Some men went out tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night
while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known
as the Conservative movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live
off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing
the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the
Liberal movement.
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats,
the invention of group therapy/group hugs, and the concept of Democratic
voting to decide how to divide up the meat and beer that conservatives
provided.
Over the years, conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most
powerful land animal on earth: the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by
the jackass.
Modern liberals may drink imported beer (with lime added), but most
prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish, but prefer
their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal
fare. An interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have
higher testosterone levels than their men. Liberals invented the
designated hitter rule, because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher pitch,
and bat as well.
Conservatives drink domestic beer mostly. They eat red meat and
still provide for their women. Conservatives who own companies hire
other conservatives who want to work for a living. Individualists, they
usually band together only to accomplish a goal, like frustrating the
attempts of liberals to share-out their production. As in days of olde,
beer heightens fellowship and stimulates thought at these affairs.
Here ends today's lesson in world history. It should be noted that a
Liberal may have an urge to reply angrily. A Conservative will merely
laugh, and open another beer
