Waxing
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come
home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would
ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours:
'Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine
cabinet.'
So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.. It was
one of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just
rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull
the hair right off.
No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a
genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out.
(YA
THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing
each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius
kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.
('Cold wax, yeah...right!') I lay the strip across my thigh.
Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works!
OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do
this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of
all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on
the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair
fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the
toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the
right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha
and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip)
I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!.....OH MY GAW D
!!!!!!!!!
Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull
off half the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is
spinning and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay
conscious....must stay conscious. D o I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK,back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has
caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want
to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up
the strip!
There's no hair on it.
Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet.
I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip...it's not!
I touch. I am touching wax.
I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which
is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make
the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the
toilet?
I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.
SEALED SHUT!!!!
MY BUTT IS SEALED SHUT!
SEALED SHUT!!!!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what
to do and think to myself 'Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My
head may pop off!'
What can I do to melt the wax?
Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water
I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and
the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???
WRONG!!!!!!!******
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.
Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions
glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the
bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water.
Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had
cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the
bathroom!!!!!
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has
some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation
starter.......
'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the
tub!'
There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for
removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants
to know exactly where the wax is located, 'Are we talking cheeks or hole
or hoo-ha?'
She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.
YEAH!!!!! Right!!
I should be the joke of someone else's night.
While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape
the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super
hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!
By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike
and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling
for this event.
My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.
What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub on and.
OH MY GOD!!!!!!!
The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of
my friend. Its sooo painful, but I really don't care.
'IT WORKS!! It works!!' I get a hearty congratulation from my
friend and she hangs up.
I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice
to my grief and despair....
THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!
So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now.
Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color
