DIARY OF A SNOW SHOVELER

DIARY OF A SNOW SHOVELER

December 8 - 6:00 PM
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife
and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the
huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses
Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!



December 9
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering
every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a
more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea
I've ever had! Shovelled for the first time in years and felt like a
boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon
the snowplough came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the
driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!

December 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow.. Such a disappointment!
My neighbour tells me not to worry- we'll definitely have a white
Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so
much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again.
I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's
our neighbour.


December 14
Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature
dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my
breath away, but I warmed up by shovelling the driveway and sidewalks.
This is the life! The snowplough came back this afternoon and buried
everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much
shovelling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I
wouldn't huff and puff so.


December 15
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer.
Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the
freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out.
I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska , after all.
December 16
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the
driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an
hour, which I think was very cruel.


December 17
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.
Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay
warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her.
Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I
hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my
own living room.
December 20
Electricity's back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn
stuff last night. More shovelling! Took all day. The dam snowplough
came by twice. Tried to find a neighbour kid to shovel, but they said
they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the
only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're
out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob
says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I
think he's lying.

December 22
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of
the white crap fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till
August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel
and then I had to pee. By the time I got undressed, peed and dressed
again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plough on
his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I
think the butthole is lying.


December 23
Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife
wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she,
nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she
did but I think she's lying.


December 24
6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplough, I broke the
shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son
of a bitch who drives that snow plough, I'll drag him through the snow
by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he
hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then
he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over
where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas
carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for
the damn snowplough.


December 25
Merry fricking Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop
tonight - Snowed in. The idea of shovelling makes my blood boil. God,
I hate the snow! Then the snowplough driver came by asking for a
donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I
have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to
watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into
the microwave.


December 26
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all
HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.


December 27
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came
after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace
all my pipes.


December 28
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. My WIFE is driving me
crazy!!!


December 29
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could
cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he
think I am?


December 30
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plough driver, and now he is
suing me for a million dollars, not only the beating I gave him, but
also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his BUTT. The wife
went home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.


December 31
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shovelling.


January 8
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep
giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

Careful what you wish for.

Damn Big Orange.......you been taking classes from Tick????????????
Hey it's like that here every winter and the wife is on those little white pills every winter also!!