DIVORCE
AGREEMENT
Dear American liberals, leftists, social
progressives, socialists, Marxists and Obama supporters, et al:
We have
stuck together since the late 1950's for the sake of the kids, but the whole of
this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. . . . I
know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations,
but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course.
Our two
ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right for
us all, so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to
irreconcilable differences and go our own way.
Here is a model
separation agreement:
Our two groups can equitably divide up the country
by landmass each taking a similar portion. That will be the difficult part, but
I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After
that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can
effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and
disparate tastes.
We don't like redistributive taxes, so you can keep
them. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU. Since you hate guns
and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military. We'll
take the nasty, smelly oil industry and you can go with wind, solar and
biodiesel. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O'Donnell (You are,
however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all
three of them).
We'll keep capitalism, greedy corporations,
pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street. You can have your beloved
lifelong welfare dwellers, food stamps, homeless, homeboys, hippies, druggies
and illegal aliens. We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's and
rednecks. We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood.
You can
make nice with Iran and Palestine, and we'll retain the right to invade and
hammer places that threaten us. You can have the peaceniks and war protesters.
When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them
security.
We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values. You are welcome to
Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness and Shirley McClain. You
can also have the U.N. But we will no longer be paying the bill.
We'll
keep the SUV's, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every
Subaru station wagon you can find.
You can give everyone healthcare if
you can find any practicing doctors. We'll continue to believe healthcare is a
luxury and not a right. We'll keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic and the
National Anthem. I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute Imagine, I'd Like to
Teach the World to Sing, Kum Ba Ya or We Are the World.
We'll practice
trickle down economics and you can continue to give trickle up poverty your best
shot.
Since it often so
offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our flag.
Would you
agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like minded liberal and
conservative patriots; if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of
friendly parting, I'll bet you correctly answer which one of us will need whose
help in 15 years.
Sincerely,
John J. Wall
Law Student and an
American
P. S. Also, please take Ted Turner, Sean Penn, Martin Sheen,
Barbara Streisand, & Jane
Fonda with you.
P. S. S. And you won't have to press 1 for
English when you call our country.
